Top Ten Unpleasant Careers

10. Spider Groomer

9. Equifax Scapegoat

8. Guy Fieri’s Personal Waxer

7. Nickelback Sound Engineer

6. Japanese Porn Janitor

5. Mayonnaise Expiration Date Setter

4. Tiki Brand Torch Marketer

3. Fedora Salesman

2. Death Metal Band Logo Decipherer

1. Michael Bay Movie Editor


Thoughts on Gary Puckett and the Union Gap

Some of the band’s best known songs:

“Young Girl”

“This Girl is a Woman Now”

“Woman, Woman.”

Sadly, It would be almost a decade before rock bands realized that they could also sing about beer.


The problem with child leashes is that they demean all involved. But how to keep your energetic preschooler close by and out of that stack of shirts the Target lady is folding for the fifth time since lunch? You only have two shoes, and once you’ve thrown them both, your kid knows he’s free to bolt for the digital cameras. The solution is simple. BACKPACKS.

But not just ANY backpacks. No, backpacks filled with scraps of cast iron. Kid extra-rowdy? pack that backpack full of cast iron. Feeling a little under the weather? Take some out! The beauty of this system is its flexibility. Also, the cast iron is scraps, so it’s GREEN.

Still not convinced? The backpacks will give the little ankle biters cardio to work off the Big Mac you bought them for lunch. It’s like getting a 4-year head start on joining a soccer team! AND, when they grumble about how cleaning up after themselves is too much effort, let them take off the backpack for chores! They’ll get a second wind!

I’ll be taking orders as soon as I get back from the scrapyard.

Ways I Have Referred to Dan Hill’s “Sometimes When We Touch”

  • Wet Kleenex
  • Vat of middle-school girl tears
  • Beef jerky soggifier
  • Testosterone nullifier
  • That thing we should engrave onto a golden disk and shoot into space to serve as a warning to any aliens who find the naked pictures on the “Voyager” spacecraft


STOIC, RUGGED AMISH FARMER: I need a goodly wife to mend my breeches, cook my meals, and sometimes help me raise barns.

CAREER WOMAN WHO HAS LOST SIGHT OF THE IMPORTANT THINGS IN LIFE: I am sorry, Strangely Compelling Amish Dude, but I want different things out of life and romance and your buggy doesn’t have a USB port for my iPhone.



Top Ten Rejected Children’s Books

10. One Day Everyone You Know will be Dead

9. Touchy the Friendly Clown Visits a Daycare

8. Monsanto Presents Chuckles, The Cheerful GMO Soybean

7. Timmy and the Corporate Campaign Contribution Slush Fund

6. Where Walmart Sneakers Come From

5. Across the Tracks from Sesame Street

4. The Magic School Bus at the Rendering Plant

3. Baby’s First Beauty Contest

2. Let’s Draw the Powerpuff Girls with Pronounced Bosoms

1. Why Uncle Roger is No Longer Allowed to Babysit