War Ballad

Cyberlieutenant Zakk Bloodclaw peered at the battlefield through his TekOculars. Zakk was a large slab of beef with the temperament of a neutron bull hopped up on all the ragedust.  By his side stood Megabrigadier Jull Ragefist, who was built like a forklift if the forklift had rippling, bulging muscles.

“See what I mean, Zakk?” Juli’s voice was like a sledgehammer falling down a pink catwalk.

“Aye,” Zakk’s voice was like the thunder of the Autoguns booming overhead. “A whole frakload of dead people.”

“ALL the dead people. As best as I can tell, all that’s left of our forces on this planet are us, some combat ‘bots, and the company of sexdroids back at the landing site.”

“Can the sexdroids be armed?”

“Frak no.” Juli spit. “They are far too feminine and silly.”

“Figures.” Zakk focused the TekOculars as if to single out one mangled body over the rest. “What do the Hypermutants have left?”

“At least a battalion, Maybe two.”

Zakk looked away from the ‘Oculars. “You, me, and some ‘bots against two battalions of Hypermutants?”


Zakk grinned. “Sounds like the odds will be about even, then.”

Juli picked up her Nuker. “Let’s get this party started.” She aimed her weapon at the Hypermutant lines and fired. A few seconds later, there was a huge explosion, followed by the howling of the mutants. “Damn, this turns me on.”

Zakk lit a cybercigar. “Off we go!” He and Juli bolted for the enemy lines. He looked over at his commanding officer. “What are we in the mood for? Incendiaries? Sawbombs?”

“I dunno about you, but I’m kind of pissed they killed 2.4 million of our fellow soldiers, and then made sandwiches out of their bodies. I say melee.” She paused. “No, ULTRA melee.”

Zakk laughed. “I like the way you think.” At that moment they entered the Mutant’s firing range and blasts began to go off all around them.

Juli tapped a small box at her belt. “Arsenal, Goresaw!” A device that looked like an elongated box with several circular sawblades on the front materialized in her hands. She pulled a trigger and saws howled to life. She cackled.

“Arsenal…Werewolf Launcher!” a weapon that looked like a bazooka with a huge, deep cup on the end was immediately in Zakk’s hands.

Juli blinked as the pair came to a stop. “That doesn’t look like a melee weapon, soldier!”

Zakk grinned even wider, which shouldn’t have been possible. “I’ve been saving this baby for a special occasion. Don’t worry, it counts.” He lined up the sights and fired. A brown, furry projectile blasted from the launcher with a loud “POOMP” sound. It landed in the front ranks of the foul army, and immediately a werewolf stood, and began howling and ripping apart the stunned Mutants.

“See? Melee.”

“I don’t consider it REAL melee until you have to wipe the gore off your goggles.” Juli clenched her teeth.

“That’ll happen soon enough.” There were several more “POOMP” sounds as Zakk peppered the enemy ranks with werewolves. “The nice thing about werewolves is that they multiply.” Juli noticed several of the fallen mutants were getting back up as Werewolf Hypermutants.

“Before you say anything, I know, at first glance it seems like I am making them stronger. but wait.” Zakk looked at his chronometer. “And…NOW!” As Zakk pointed, several of the Werewolf Hypermutants exploded, dousing those around them with Werewolf Gore, which caused those Hypermutants to turn into Werewolf Hypermutants and begin attacking their uninfected brethren.

“Just like clockwork, after five minutes.”

“Oh, I have GOT to get me one of those! Does it come in vampire?”

“You bet your ass it does. Uh, sir.” POOMP!

“How many shots does it hold?”

“Two hundred, so I am pretty much out.” Zakk dropped the launcher. “Arsenal, Crunchmower.” Zakk was holding something that looked like the unholy union between a lawn mower on its edge and a tree shredder. “Time to make some some gore!”

They both laughed as they waded into the carnage. It was going to be an excellent battle.


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