Dear Daniel Dos

As a humor writer, I am of course besieged by throngs of fans. It is not uncommon for me to be pelted by underwear and phone numbers when I am out in public, though both tend to be taped to bricks. I often end up wandering the streets, dazed and bloody. But just as often I get requests for advice, and I’ll answer them here.

Dear Daniel,

My daughter is acting strange. During our nightly jigsaw puzzles, she tends to be distracted, sighing and looking wistful. She also has taken to wearing t-shirts that say things like “I’m A Belieber.” I fear she has lost the ability to spell. How can I get her back to her normal self?

Troubled in Toledo

Dear Troubled:

Part of growing up is participating in fads and listening to music that will leave you embarrassed as an adult. You can’t figure out who you are without starting at the bottom of taste. When you’re 16, you’ll wear parachute pants and listen to pop rap. When you’re 26, you’re wearing khakis and listening to the Manic Street Preachers. When you’re 36, you’re wearing whatever you can find without chicken noodle soup on it and listening to “Old MacDonald” while driving your five-year-old to soccer practice. Your daughter will never go back to the child she was once was, but you can speed her evolution into an adult you can relate to by force-feeding her the pop dreck she craves until she is sick of it, at which point she will mature and wear salvation army clothes while listening only to unsigned bands that play for crowds of less than fifty.

 

Dear Daniel,

I recently sat bolt upright in bed early one Tuesday morning and said “Egad, I am a Fairly Wolf Princess trapped in the body of a pudgy 22-year-old male.” My question is, how do you come up with ideas for your written works?

Curious in Charleston

Dear Curious,

Inspiration can come from many sources. I can be perusing the internet and come across a picture of a creepy clown, and suddenly I have an article. Or I can sit around thinking of things that make me laugh, and see what I can run with. Or I can sit for three hours, staring at a blank page, the cursor blinking as though to mock me. I feel a vein in my forehead begin to throb. It’s almost time to publish something and I have nothing. The walls are closing in. Somewhere, inside of me, a voice begins to scream. I hear music. “I threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back” WHAT WAS THAT SONG?? AAAAAAAAAAAAAA I AM A FAILURE AT EVERYTHING KILL ME NOW!

Then I usually dash off an advice column a day late and go hang out on YouTube.

 

Dear Daniel,

Please forgive the clumsy my words, I will use the program to convert is not my native language is English. My question is, up to now, do you have to tell a problem on the Internet?

Mistranslated in Michigan

Dear Mistranslated,

I have a lot of problems, such as English, do not have to become an international language of commerce. However, complication can arise from English is the language of complex fluid thing to learn in the native speakers is difficult. It is possible that confused the idea of placement for colloquialisms and idiom of misunderstanding sometimes, exhilarating sense of errors. You can translation program help but, your best bet is to learn the language really. I wish you good luck in the communication efforts of your future.

 

Dear Daniel,

Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want, So tell me what you want, what you really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha.

Spicy in Seattle

Dear Spicy,

If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever, friendship never ends. If you wanna be my lover, you have got to give. Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.

 

Dear Daniel,

I am a cutesy cat mascot from Japan. I am on lunchboxes, hair bows, cars, sushi, pencils, pens, vibrators, cartoons, hand grenades, machine guns, vending machines, and at least one very confused squid. My question is, will anyone really love me for ME?

Anxious in Asia

Dear Anxious,

Love is a complicated thing. We all wear masks, trying to juggle holding back what we think is the bad of us while putting forward what he hope is the best of us, even if it’s just an act, in order to attract a partner. We are all sad, lonely, confused people. Love doesn’t find everyone, even if you go out and chase it. So if you’re lucky enough to find someone who sees the truth of you and loves you for who and what you are, keep that person close and treasure them for as long as they want to stay in your life, no matter what form that love takes. Otherwise you’ll just be left with regrets.

But you’re a cartoon corporate mascot, so I sincerely hope not. No one should love a corporation.

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