Top Ten Reasons You Are Not Going To Win a Teen Choice Award

10. You’re Wilford Brimley

9. Book “Hoppy The Bunny Discovers Rectangles” involves too much reading

8. You were cited for beating Justin Bieber around the head and neck with a fencepost

7. Only claim to fame is an obscure WordPress humor blog

6. Once again fluffers have been overlooked

5. New pop song “Teenagers Are Stupid and Suck” not charting as well as anticipated

4. Introduced a bill to raise the driving age to 30

3. Teenagers not as excited about TV show describing how to make things like early colonial end tables as you thought

2. Weekly column about stock tips yielding substandard returns

1. One Direction gerrymandered districts after last census


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