Top Ten Ways To Get Kicked Out Of A Library

10. Gather up all the fitness magazines and go through them cutting out all of the butts

9.  Start relabeling all the books with the Dewey Hexadecimal System

8. Go to the children’s section and start handing out kazoos

7. Read “Fahrenheit 451” near the main desk and constantly giggle

6. Have pizza delivered

5. Add sound effects during story time

4. Build fort out of reference books

3. Unbutton shirt and hang around the romance section

2. Return books one page at a time

1. “You must be a librarian because I can’t stop checking you out.”

Top Ten Signs You Are Paying Too Much For Car Insurance (Brought to you by GEICO)

10. When car is in the shop, policy rents you a Ferrari

9. Services not endorsed by talking reptiles

8. You’re debating dropping full coverage on your 1984 Civic

7. “Car Insurance” paying local drug dealer to shoo away car thieves

6. Add an extra twenty dollars to payments with the request “bring back Erin.”

5. Are not as happy as camel promised

4. Payments made to “Hound Dog” or else broken kneecaps

3. Can’t find all-white color theme store where Flo works

2. Agent keeps flipping out about the 273 speeding tickets

1. Don’t own a car