Top Ten Unpleasant Careers

10. Spider Groomer

9. Equifax Scapegoat

8. Guy Fieri’s Personal Waxer

7. Nickelback Sound Engineer

6. Japanese Porn Janitor

5. Mayonnaise Expiration Date Setter

4. Tiki Brand Torch Marketer

3. Fedora Salesman

2. Death Metal Band Logo Decipherer

1. Michael Bay Movie Editor


Top Ten Rejected Children’s Books

10. One Day Everyone You Know will be Dead

9. Touchy the Friendly Clown Visits a Daycare

8. Monsanto Presents Chuckles, The Cheerful GMO Soybean

7. Timmy and the Corporate Campaign Contribution Slush Fund

6. Where Walmart Sneakers Come From

5. Across the Tracks from Sesame Street

4. The Magic School Bus at the Rendering Plant

3. Baby’s First Beauty Contest

2. Let’s Draw the Powerpuff Girls with Pronounced Bosoms

1. Why Uncle Roger is No Longer Allowed to Babysit

Top Ten Signs You’re Not Drinking Good Beer

10. It’s served in a bucket

9. It’s called the “Quaker State 10w40-oz”

8. Brewer used grass seed instead of barley

7. Warning label on can says not to open indoors

6. “Budweiser Holiday Beer Nog”

5. The guy three stools down with the thick-rimmed glasses who won’t shut up about home brewing and craft beers says its body is less than robust

4. You didn’t know Greenland had its own beer

3.  Comes as a tube of powder to mix into bottled water

2. Your five-year-old just brought it in from the rain in a “Dora the Explorer” cup

1. Three sips and you’re already throwing up

Top Ten Ways To Get Kicked Out Of A Library

10. Gather up all the fitness magazines and go through them cutting out all of the butts

9.  Start relabeling all the books with the Dewey Hexadecimal System

8. Go to the children’s section and start handing out kazoos

7. Read “Fahrenheit 451” near the main desk and constantly giggle

6. Have pizza delivered

5. Add sound effects during story time

4. Build fort out of reference books

3. Unbutton shirt and hang around the romance section

2. Return books one page at a time

1. “You must be a librarian because I can’t stop checking you out.”

Top Ten Signs You Are Paying Too Much For Car Insurance (Brought to you by GEICO)

10. When car is in the shop, policy rents you a Ferrari

9. Services not endorsed by talking reptiles

8. You’re debating dropping full coverage on your 1984 Civic

7. “Car Insurance” paying local drug dealer to shoo away car thieves

6. Add an extra twenty dollars to payments with the request “bring back Erin.”

5. Are not as happy as camel promised

4. Payments made to “Hound Dog” or else broken kneecaps

3. Can’t find all-white color theme store where Flo works

2. Agent keeps flipping out about the 273 speeding tickets

1. Don’t own a car

Top Ten Worst Pickup Lines That Have a Statistical Chance of Working

10. “Hey baby, are you a nurse? Because I have some inflammation in my pants.”

9. “I am a sensitive, emotional dude who wants to write poems about your hooters.”

8. “Hey, is your friend seeing anybody?”

7. “It’s too bad we’re not the same gender because I’m totally gay for you.”

6. “Are you drunk enough yet for me to have a shot with you?”

5. “So I know you hired me to tie balloon animals at your son’s birthday party, but I get off in twenty minutes.”

4. Write your phone number on the back of the “$5 pizza” sign you’re holding by side of road

3. “I deduce from your nose that you’re an ‘ALF’ fan.”

2. “LORDEE BISCUITS you are the finest little filly this side of the barnyard!”


Top Ten Things Overheard at a Furry Convention

10. “Well I am just yiffed out.”

9. “What a coincidence, I have a DeviantArt account too!”

8. “Did everyone dress up as a Sonic character?”

7. No, no, my fursona just LOOKS like a guy in a bathrobe.”

6. “Is- is that a giant, anatomically correct bunny slipper with six legs?”

5. “Why no love for the baboon?”

4. “I keep telling you, I don’t want your first prize! I’m just hairy!”

3. “Word on the street is the AKC is going to raid us because we bought all the collars in town.”

2. “I would never have guessed that Conan the Barbarian would work as a chipmunk.”

1. “Next year I am building some fans into this blasted suit.”