The problem with child leashes is that they demean all involved. But how to keep your energetic preschooler close by and out of that stack of shirts the Target lady is folding for the fifth time since lunch? You only have two shoes, and once you’ve thrown them both, your kid knows he’s free to bolt for the digital cameras. The solution is simple. BACKPACKS.

But not just ANY backpacks. No, backpacks filled with scraps of cast iron. Kid extra-rowdy? pack that backpack full of cast iron. Feeling a little under the weather? Take some out! The beauty of this system is its flexibility. Also, the cast iron is scraps, so it’s GREEN.

Still not convinced? The backpacks will give the little ankle biters cardio to work off the Big Mac you bought them for lunch. It’s like getting a 4-year head start on joining a soccer team! AND, when they grumble about how cleaning up after themselves is too much effort, let them take off the backpack for chores! They’ll get a second wind!

I’ll be taking orders as soon as I get back from the scrapyard.


Top Ten Rejected Children’s Books

10. One Day Everyone You Know will be Dead

9. Touchy the Friendly Clown Visits a Daycare

8. Monsanto Presents Chuckles, The Cheerful GMO Soybean

7. Timmy and the Corporate Campaign Contribution Slush Fund

6. Where Walmart Sneakers Come From

5. Across the Tracks from Sesame Street

4. The Magic School Bus at the Rendering Plant

3. Baby’s First Beauty Contest

2. Let’s Draw the Powerpuff Girls with Pronounced Bosoms

1. Why Uncle Roger is No Longer Allowed to Babysit

Top Ten Ways To Get Kicked Out Of A Library

10. Gather up all the fitness magazines and go through them cutting out all of the butts

9.  Start relabeling all the books with the Dewey Hexadecimal System

8. Go to the children’s section and start handing out kazoos

7. Read “Fahrenheit 451” near the main desk and constantly giggle

6. Have pizza delivered

5. Add sound effects during story time

4. Build fort out of reference books

3. Unbutton shirt and hang around the romance section

2. Return books one page at a time

1. “You must be a librarian because I can’t stop checking you out.”

Top Ten Worst Pickup Lines That Have a Statistical Chance of Working

10. “Hey baby, are you a nurse? Because I have some inflammation in my pants.”

9. “I am a sensitive, emotional dude who wants to write poems about your hooters.”

8. “Hey, is your friend seeing anybody?”

7. “It’s too bad we’re not the same gender because I’m totally gay for you.”

6. “Are you drunk enough yet for me to have a shot with you?”

5. “So I know you hired me to tie balloon animals at your son’s birthday party, but I get off in twenty minutes.”

4. Write your phone number on the back of the “$5 pizza” sign you’re holding by side of road

3. “I deduce from your nose that you’re an ‘ALF’ fan.”

2. “LORDEE BISCUITS you are the finest little filly this side of the barnyard!”